Spice up your relationship

The deactivate game

2008-08-31T20:46:00.000-07:00

So me and my partner came up with this game over the weekend, and yes you do have to be a little bit nutty but that is what life is all about. Also if you cannot be a little nutty with your partner than you need to work on another area of your relationship.

One of the biggest things which come up in relationships is that we don't know when we have upset the other or made the other person feel bad. Sometimes it can be the most obvious of things other times you can be baffled for days or even not even realise the foul mood your partner is in is because you did something simple. I mean how can we learn to change the annoying things and grow if we don't know what we have done. i am sure most relationship experts would say you need to talk about it, be upfront with each other but really if you are upfront at the time it willingly end in more problems or you will be so angry what you say will launch into something else. Then later when you talk about it, it will seem so out of context that you won't be able to recall the action or be able to program yourself to maybe no do it in the future.
So this game teaches you to have fun, and learn about the other person at the same time.
can you imagine a robot deactivating, it shuts down and drops its head. So with that in mind what happens is when your partner does something that makes you angry, pissed off or a bit sad you deactivate..you drop your head and put on a sad face. it is then up to them to take a moment and work out what they just did and then to reactivate you they have to kiss you on the forehead. It is brilliant cos by the tie they kiss you on the head you feel so silly that your partly laughing on the inside and they to can then see the humour of the situation too but also they have a better idea of why you felt upset they know exactly what triggered it.
It can be for anything that you deactivate, have fun with it. The funniest is when you say something then they say something pretty close after and you both deactivate at the same time. It can be fun and it teaches you so much about it each other, you will find the little things are laughable and that you are much more flexible with each other too.

Have fun :)

Also pulling a tantrum like a little child can be great too if the robot thing is to easy. In public is so much fun, cos you have to weigh up whether the situation is worth you embarrassing yourself in public. It makes you evaluate how much time and energy you put into feeling crap or being sad cos of something your partner did or said.

Tap into your core!

2008-07-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

Core? your probably thinking I am what I am. Well you are but often we find ourselves not living form our core. A woman has a feminine core but can sometimes slip into their masculine on the outside, we start thinking how can we fix this, we become solution focused, we get bossy and play the man of the house. In regards to men they too can express a feminine shell by being indecisive, wimping out in situations and not protecting their woman.

When we are in a relationship it is important that we don't stop roles, because when we strip away the layers what we are attracted to in our partners is the qualities that their core unleashes. Woman want to know that their man is strong and can protect her. When I say strong I mean is powerful, can make decisions, is driven and empowered. She wants her man to be a man!! Don't get me wrong a man with a sensitive side is perfect, but not a man who is over sensitive, over think everything and does not take any control in the way that the relationship works. A man should sweep you off your feet be your superman.

In the case of a woman to her man she should be flighty, flirtatious, and ooze girly femininity. We have the ability to make a mans heart melt by flickering our eyelids or even wiggling our hips. I am not saying woman are all about looks either, we are smart and savvy too. That is why we can play on our femininity to get us out of situations or even win our way in most relationship moments. Yes we have the ability when he says "I am off to play poker with the boys", we can smile sweetly and say wouldn't you rather spend the night with me... and with out a doubt we usually can at the least get them coming home early knowing you are waiting for them if not staying in the whole night. So we a definitely crafty!!

Where relationships tend to wobble a little is when our man slips out of his masculine and we step up to the masculine. It is never one or the other who is to blame. It also is easy to slip out of our core if one or the other is not in theirs.

So how do you tap in to your core?

Woman are most in their core when they are nurturing, being creative, socialising or being free. So something you can do is take a step back and look at your relationship, are you the one pulling all the shots, do you organise the household matters, do you always want to be in charge. Maybe it is time to let him step into that role, sit back and relax. Even look into tapping into your creativity; take up dancing or painting. Create more freedom in your life by just being you, stop being solution focused, allow yourself to get caught up in the emotion of it all. Also never as a female be afraid to have a cry...it is one of our best releases. Just don't go over top there is a difference between having a cry and playing victim (that can be another blog).

Men are most in their core when they are fixing things, in control, determined and focused. In a relationship you may feel as though being their for your woman is to let her have it all her way, make sure your constantly in the good books or tip toe around her feelings. STOP being a wuss (not to be crude but grab your balls and remember your a man). You can pamper your woman, you can even be romantic and woe her. But being scared to go out with the boys cos she might get upset is not very masculine, there are ways you can stay in the good books but not get worked all over too.

Find your drive, get off the couch and get stuck into life. Get out there and be physical with the boys, tinker about under the hood of the car, solve the problems or even catch a wave.

when we are in our core things flow better and we feel more free to be us and in turn we can embrace our relationship rather than go head to head with it.

Are you too dependant?

2008-07-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

So many relationships start off with romance and lust, some might call it the honey moon period because everything seems to go really well. Both of you are hanging out to see the other person or the intrigue of getting know the other person is rampant. It seems the fact that we are new to the other person it makes us so much more desirable.

So why does the honeymoon period end? because what attracted the person in the first place was because you were authentically you, you were just being yourself. As we get to know someone you find out what they like and what they don't like and then as if like a switch we start to change, to confirm to what we think the other person really likes. We forget that being us is what attracted them first off, so instead of changing to be something that we are not authentically we should step back and work out what makes us who we are.

At the same time not disregarding the fact that there are things that obviously we could work on within ourselves. Instead of changing for someone else, grow for yourself and find your independence again.

When we become over-dependent on our partners we start to get caught up in the little things, start blaming them for our moods. When we are sad, angry, upset we find excuses that it is because they didn't do this or do that. But the reality of it all is that we depend to much on them to realise we are in controll of our emotions, and that when we feel upset or allow things to get us upset then we have the controll to change our state and perk up from the situation. If you were on your own there would be no one to have a go at when you got home if you had a bad day, there would be no one to blame for your upset.

It is these upsets and moments of disapointment that cause blocks in our relationships. We find our love being comprimised by daily fluff, we throw the word trust around so eaisly and our appreciation of our partners gets comprimised regukary. Its time to take controll of you, live a little from your heart again. Next time you have a bad day take a moment to let it go. Start to become more aware of your states know that when you head home from a crap day and feel yourself getting upset because your partner didn't have dinner ready; think did they even know you wanted them to make dinner? they had no idea you had a crap day!

This does not insure that your partner will be the perfect partner but it will effect the way you interact with each other. You will find yourself thinking about how you react to your partner, even the tone of how you speak to your partner or even the words you use.

Trust

2008-07-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

Trust is a big word in relationship language and it should be. People always talk about trusting their partner or in some cases not trusting their partner.

In life we get let down by other people, our expectations don't get met but for some reason if our partner let's us down or they don't meet our expectations it means so much more. Is it really about the feeling of being let down or is it that we begin to loose faith in the fact that our partner will no longer be their to support us, or that they will never change. In many cases the result of this let down gets turned into a lack of trust and a lack of caring.

If any of these feelings are floating around we find ourselves blocking off an idea of change or love in fact.

The one thing you are trying to obtain is change or to re-kindle your love but in effect you are blocking that off.

A special Moment

2008-07-21T02:15:00.000-07:00

Any moment can become special if you allow yourself to move into it.
Heading home as usual form work, this time finding myself looking at my partner and stopped to realise how grateful I was. I thought to myself what could I do to show how grateful I was without seeming to over the top or without wanting anything in return.

He at that point in time turned around and saw me smiling at him, he then said "you know you have a beautiful smile". So I said that smile was for you!

I guess a smile is enough.

Communication is the key

2008-07-21T01:57:00.002-07:00

Common Conversation Mistakes to Avoid
By Peter Murphy

When you are engaged in a conversation with one or more people, you have to essentially take turns at speaking. If one person is doing all the talking, that is a lecture, not a chat. So, one very common mistake people will make is that they monopolize the conversation and end up doing all of the talking. People will often get very tired of just being talked to; so try to avoid that.

Next, stay on subject. If everyone is talking about how much they loved the latest production of "The Fantastics" that a local theatre group is putting on, do not change the subject to the upcoming Presidential election.

Then, when other people are talking, stay focused, and pay attention. If your eyes loose focus, glaze over and you start looking out the window at some birds flying by, the other people will not want to talk to you much. You need to listen to what they say, and ask questions that reflect the fact that you are doing just that. It will make the other people happy to see that you are interested in what they have to say.

And that leads to the next point - do not be insulting, sarcastic, or interrupt the other speakers constantly. If you do not agree with what they have to say, simply agree to disagree. Keep in mind, some people will not agree with your point of view. You are going to want them to respect what you have to say; so you do the same to them.

Often times, people will say things that will make you want to offer them advice. Maybe they are having a problem at work, with their spouse or kids, or some such thing. Well, do not just offer advice. There is an old saying about advice: wise men do not need it, and fools will not heed it. So, do not offer it. Then, there is the reserve of this situation. If someone asks you your opinion or for advice, then try (as best you can) to give it. If the issue is on a subject that you truly can not speak about, then go ahead and be honest about it, and tell them that. But, if you think you have something to say on the matter, then do so.

There is also a little side rule to this issue, that of offering advice or making criticism regarding something they did in the past. As an example, if a friend left a bike outside his back door and it got stolen, do not ask him why he did something so dumb. It is in the past; what good will it do to point out his mistake now?

Next, there is the issue of being a gossip. If you talk about people who are not there, some people might find it fun and enjoyable. Yet, deep down, maybe later, when they're at home, they're going to wonder if you do the same to them, talk about them behind their back to others? That is not the sort of thing that is going to endear you to them and make them want to talk to you on a regular basis.

Finally, there is the issue of people listening to you. In the same way that you need to pay attention to others when they talk, you want them to listen when you talk. Well, if you notice their eyes starting to loose focus, maybe they even yawn or look at their watch, these are signs that maybe you have been talking to long. If you drone on and on about the same thing for a long time, people can get bored, and then they will not relish the prospect of future chats with you. So, know when enough is enough!

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: communication skills

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Peter_Murphy

2008-07-21T01:57:00.000-07:00

Are You Listening?
By Virginia Duffy

Communication is the way human beings establish and maintain relationships.

Communication can be through the spoken or written word or more subtle methods, such as non-verbal communications. Good communication is critical for maintaining satisfying healthy relationships, whether it is with a parent, child, friend, business or intimate partner. The ability to communicate with one another honestly builds intimacy and trust. Most people don't think about how they communicate, if their meaning is understood, or if they understand until there a problem arises.

This often comes as a surprise to people. One of my favorite sayings about communication is attributed by some to Robert McCloskey; "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant,"

Effective communication can be extremely difficult.

The first and most important communication skill is listening. Good listening skills are not easy and few people really listen well. Many people are not listening but preparing their response while the other person is talking. This is especially true when tensions are high and people feel they need to defend themselves from real or imagined attack. The less defensive and more secure someone is in the situation the better able they are to listen because they feel confident that they can respond without rehearsing in their head first.

Giving your full attention to what the other person is saying is known as "active" listening. Active listening means paying attention to what the person is actually saying, but also trying to understand where he/she is "coming from." Active listening means hearing not only the words, but also the message behind those words. I always liken this to hearing not only the words, but the music also.

Active listening listening skills are an art that can be learned with time, patience and self-awareness. When you are trying to actively listen , take the time to ask questions to be sure you understand. Questions such as, I am not sure I get what you mean, can you say more, help on at least two levels. They let the person know you are interested, listening and trying to understand. They also provide you with needed data and elaboration.

Remember to try not to interrupt when another person is talking unless it is absolutely necessary. Interrupting is a common problem with many people and often causes escalation of tension. Sometimes you may feel it is necessary to interrupt because the what the person is saying is based on a misinformation. In this case, it might help to say something like; "Can I interrupt to ask you something I feel is important (or tell you something)". Then wait for a response. Try to interrupt only when you feel like it is absolutely necessary, and make an attempt to explain why you are doing it. You can say something like, "I think if you knew this you might feel differently or understand better."

Do not be thinking ahead of what your response will be while you are listening; but do try to remember the important points you want to address. Do not feel like you need to address every point that was made; pick the ones that are critical. Remember your goal is to strengthen the relationship rather then being right. (I am presuming that is the goal, you actually may have a different goal !)

Listening itself is often enough to make the other person feel better, but it also has benefits for you. It can enlighten you about what is going on, and can help you get to know and understand the other person better. Good listening will often help avoid unpleasant confrontations. Try It!

Virginia J. Duffy PhD Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner
Author, Psychotherapist, Seminar leader, Educator, Consultant.
Practical, Jargon-Free, and Professional.
Check out My Website for:
Mental Health Tidbits & Blog, questions and answers. Find articles on a variety of mental health related topics.
Find A must have Crisis Intervention Guide for those who work with people in distress.

http://www.PsychSense.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Virginia_Duffy

Welcome

2008-07-21T01:56:00.001-07:00

This is a blog all about taking your relationship to the next level.